On giving.

[written in early 2011, in response to conversation bw Marta Woodward and her friend, on when and how giving was good and bad.]




This is an arrogant blogpost, but I still would like anyone who reads it to confirm that fact, bc I'm hoping I'm wrong. Anyway, here goes.

Marta, I didn't argue that your "won't buy knives" [idea for a way to give your stuff away] was a copout bc I don't know what you own, so I don't know what you could give up. I liked your idea. If there's nothing [to give up in your house], then giving up the expectation to buy something is a perfect substitute as it satisfies the purpose of the experiment: see what it feels like to need less. With the objective of breaking all wrong ties with possessions. You can't know what are good and bad ties without experimenting, with merely thinking about it. But you are really engaging the practice, so I like that.

I hate my Druid (when I type “Droid” into my Droid, the spellcheck offers “Druid”--who am I to argue with its own view of its own spelling?). It freezes up and is so delicate I have to treat it all gently. I'm calling Verizon Monday about swapping out to the cheapest and most reliable phone that will satisfy my work's requirements. Not bc of the study of our small group, but bc I want to. As with my other possessions, I would rather not have it.

The reason I don't think the experiment worked for me is that neither purpose applies to me. One is to break wrong ties with possessions, the other is to learn how to live more frugally to allow wealth to spread around (or something). And on the former purpose, I don't love my possessions. I would love to be challenged on this, but I'm almost certain it's true. I don't love them, and don't even enjoy forming collections anymore. I have a ton of moral failures, and I'm not spiritually advanced enough for this to fail to be bragging, but still I'm not trying to brag, I'm trying to state fact. And I would love, love someone to help me check that it is a fact, hint, hint. But the only way I can think of to test it, is to give someone a key to our house and tell them to pay someone to steal all of our shit, and see how I react. And even then, I would react nonchalantly even if I was depressed, just to be stubborn, so even that wouldn't work.

But I also understand how people can get into possessions. I spent a few months obsessing about cars, in an attempt to motivate myself to get a great job, to be able to afford a nice car. It worked! I started to love and lust after Mercedes and BMWs. It didn't work! I never got a great job that paid great money. But before I found that out, I dropped the obsession; but I think it helped me imagine what some people go through with wanting cool awesome stuff.


Ok, moving on to your philosophical discussion with Alex in the previous posts.

I am not a fan of giving to people. I want them to be better people, and earn their way, not to beg for charity. Take Jesus. He was a bum by some definition, but not by the one that makes a bum a bad thing—he didn't beg. He was a nomad and people often helped him get by, but they did so because of overflowing love toward someone who brought such joy and renewal to their lives. And the rest of the time, there's no indication of how he got by. Probably by being a carpenter or helping his fishermen fish and taking some of the profits. We just don't know. But there's no reason to think he was a beggar.

And while we're on Jesus, he was not depressed, as I heard someone say in a post! Depressed! He's constantly joking and punning and telling people how great is the reign of the world available to them, if only they would see things in a new way. But they can! If anyone seriously thinks Jesus was depressed and that his message was depressing, they're going by the “churchy” version of the gospel we hear so much about, not by the actual message of Christ that has inspired people to joy and new life for centuries.

But back to giving.

I am not a fan of giving, but I do it in two ways. One, if someone needs a basic necessity and is in discomfort for not having it, I will reluctantly give it to him. But I take advantage of these moments as reminders that I need to be giving these people what they really need, whatever addresses the deeper issues that keep the basic necessities from them, and keep them in pain. Some cannot be cured, and I will give to them all I can. But I don't want that to be very many people, like maybe one out of a thousand. I have a feeling if I got closer to this element of the world, I would raise that number way, way up. But that's where it is now. I am not naturally inclined toward the spiritual gift of giving basic necessities to the poor. But neither do I think it immoral, ala Objectivism.

The other kind of giving I do is to support programs that help people in contained ways, that assume they will help themselves, or teach them how, and give them a better life more open to the reign of the heavens (on earth, right now), or make them awesomer people or stronger and more able to help others.  Etc. I believe in trickle down giving. Give to anything that helps anybody help someone else. But I also believe in first-hand giving in the previous paragraph, first-hand, direct, sandwich-to-starving person.

Lastly, to the purpose of giving, as Alex was beginning to parse out. I do not give to help others. I do not care about others, without great effort. I give because every day I am forced to remember how much I care about money, bc it matters, damnit, even if you wish it didn't. I am forced to think every day, every day, how much money matters. And thinking that often about anything that matters that much will lead to valuing it too much, until it possesses you. I want to counteract that tendency of thing to possess me. so I feel that to be the person I want to be, I must combat the pull of money by intentionally pulling away from it. The best way to do this is to remind myself frequently that it needn't and shdn't possess me, by giving it away. This is why I give, and it common in the church, although Alex seems not to know of it.

So I add habits to my life that remind me that money, though it matters, needn't possess me. I have found several ways of doing this, and I think I could do Ok without giving lots of it away. But I have also found that it is a slippery slope to let in any care for money, you let in a more and more. So I find it helpful to give it away every week. It is the best way to change your focus from currency efficiency, input-output, earnings-expenditures, which can steal or kill your energy for life. To “oh, I don't need this” “my friend should have this”, and even better to “my life is great” or “the Lord provides”.

The Lord provides. What a trite, shallow, silly, jargonny catchphrase. You might as well say “church church church churches”. And I don't really connect with the idea that it is actually God handing you a GPS device, when you realized you needed one but couldn't afford it, you pray for one, and suddenly your friend gives you his extra. The Lord provides, right? Eh. Fine, but I just think of it as the Universe providing, and God is closely connected with and immanent in all things in the Universe. So technically it is the Lord providing, but surely not in the way all those lame Xtians say so, right, surely not?

Except it is the same way. And the same beliefs. I am now become one of those silly trite Xtians I always hated. I love it, but that doesn't make it less painful.

But as with all cliches, if you work and work at seeing how they could be true, and be ready to examine your life experiences and phrase what their meaning was, you'll circle back to cliches and see them anew.

And not only does the Lord provide. But noticing that and expecting it, by breaking ties with money as a logistical system, allows you to feel connected to the Universe in a new way, or connected to God, if you believe in an ultimate sort of an one. It is freeing, and joyful, it is unbelievable until you try it. So either try it, or accept that you cannot believe it. Cannot. Experience creates belief, not thought. You can't think about a worldview and decide it is right; you can only live it or not live it. The Lord may not provide you with lots of money or cars or even more than the basic necessities (although he may, and does so all the time); but he will provide you with a new life separate from the need to possess things and control them, and that is the best provision imaginable.

I give because it is the best way to remember that the Lord provides, which draws me closer to the only thing that has any potential to mean anything (when I figure it all out in 40-50 years).


Lastly, this has all been an intellectual exercise, defending giving great amounts of money to many different causes and for different reasons. In reality, I expect most people don't think it's wrong to give to needy sometimes, and don't think it's wrong to not give to needy people sometimes. And I have no problem with anyone who thinks their family needs $200,000 per year to live on, and gives no tithe or anything else away. That could be correct for them. Maybe they need to catch up on saving for their kids or retirement.

But my goal has always been to live on the amount I lived on in law school with my wife, about $35,000. The fact that I don't pay rent now, yet cannot do that, really disturbs me, and my wife and I tried a few experiments over the past year to figure out why that goal has become impossible. Now my necessary expenses are $50,000, before any discretionary spending! It's disgusting. I think I figured it out (cancer costs, ha, argue with that!, 10 years of inflation, retirement, transportation) but I'm still pissed about it.

I hate the idea of the revolution of rising expectations. For example, I hate that I would now rather pay $3600 per year in transportation costs to cut my daily commute to 50 minutes each way, than pay $900 per year to have a 75-minute commute. Why is my time suddenly more valuable, when I earn the same amount! So I'm fighting every new expense, and I always will. This is not bc I am good, but bc of my personality and upbringing. My goal is to keep the necessities the same, spend the same on them (damn COLA, I'll ignore it!), save the same amount, and give most of the rest away.


Why not? Who needs the rest? Well, we'll find out in a few years if I can live up to that goal, I hope to.